Harold Be Thy Name
Richard
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When I was just a lad in short trousers
made us recite the Lord's Prayer each day
I that God's first name was Harold
"Our Father, which in heaven, Harold be thy name," we'd say
wondered why the Almighty's kingdom would come
And why we'd want His will "done" on earth
But I daren't the teacher such questions
For fear she'd think me at birth
Little did I know, as I stood perplexed
That the next decade would be even more
A complete waste of time, as I'd later learn
knowledge as useful as ashes in an urn
I that the square on the hippopotamus
Is equal to sum of squares on its sides
I memorized osmosis,
And how Henry the Eighth disposed of his brides
they never taught me how to change a nappy
calm a colicky babe at two AM
They didn't how to please the taxman
Or mend a broken when love's on the wane
I can recite the table
And name every bone in the human leg
when it comes to cooking Sunday roast
I'm as as a one-armed man changing a lightbulb
They never me how to fix a leaking tap
Or how cook more than just beans on toast
I wasn't the way to change a flat tyre
Or how tactfully refuse to be a wedding guest
I know date of the Battle of Hastings
And can solve X in my sleep
But negotiating a pay rise the boss?
I'd rather wrangle a flock of angry
No lesson plan on how to read a room
tell if she's just not that into you
They the class on handling rejection
And how to know no means yes or yes means no, too
They me on dangling participles
And how to find the of pi
But dealing with a sulking teenager?
I'd teach a cat to fly
The curriculum lacked "How Budget 101"
And "Dealing with In-laws" wasn't on the
They forgot to teach me small talk at parties
how to say her bottom doesn't look so big
No, they never taught me how to get a
Or cope when the kids have flown the nest
school of life's been my real teacher
And I'm failing most of its tests